Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mike's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
2:41 am	seperate threads for seperate discussions just a random update to explain the going ons in my life: spent the week at my mom's. cable is nice, but it didn't feel like home anymore, so i'd rather not be there. my sister had surgery on friday. they were going to release her today, but she threw up again, so they are keeping her longer. who knows how long. i'm kinda worried about this. i'm not sure what her life expectancy ever was, but i'm wondering if maybe it was already passed. but i'm the type to worry, even if it's baseless. still haven't heard the official word from my insurance carrier that my truck was totalled. i'm assuming it was, and have begun the search for a new vehicle. as it took me six months to find that dakota, and i need a car before that time, i'm not exclusively looking at dakotas. i'm currently leaning towards a wrangler. and i promise i won't roll it if i get one. my mom was supposed to be out of town wednesday through sunday for a beekeepers workshop, but due to my sister's continued hospital stay, she has decided to remain in town. i was going to be spending those five days watching her house (again), and since my mom will still not be home, i still get to do that. yay. except not so much on the enthusiasm. and there's kirsten. i always seem to close out entries with her. know why? because that's how i close out every day. i think of her up until the moment i fall asleep, and often after that. there's been a lesson with her, but i've been slow to pick up on it. i owe it to her to tell her things as they come up. i shouldn't shut her out or shield her from the less pleasant aspects of my life just because she's in another state. that's how it is when someone cares. even if they can't do much besides listen, it'll help you to say it and them to hear it. expect an equally uninteresting update by monday night, when i should be back home from my mom's house. Current Mood: drained Current Music: john playing 'super monkey ball' on shep's new game cube (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 20th, 2003
10:48 am	day 38: wake up, she's gone Mariska, the beloved dakota that took six months for me to find and purchase, is dead. I guess I technically don't know that, as I need to hear from the insurance agent, but I'm 99% certain she's done for. It was a weak wreck, too. I was hoping for something big and impressive. The damage was pretty good, though, so it wasn't a complete waste of an accident. What follows are six jpeg images of Risky after she got moved out of the street. For those of you on dialup (Trevor), they are behind a cut tag. The damage doesn't look too bad, but keep in mind that the cab and bed of the truck should line up. Misalignment is caused by a bent frame, which often totals a vehicle. ( *Funeral march plays in background* ) I will miss that truck. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 18th, 2003
10:53 pm	best results ever i feel like i should use emily's '+10 to all bandwagon jumps' quote here...but the results are so cool and true that i just can't help myself. mgeorge Magic Number 13 Job Most Hated Person - Ever Personality Multiple Temperament An Oft-Exploding Volcano Sexual If I Have To Likely To Win Another Gold Star Me - In A Word Whirlwind Colour Brought to you by MemeJack as an additional update, not that anyone cares, my sister won't be out of the hospital until friday, at least, so yay farm life. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:47 pm	I think I remember saying, some time back, that I didn't want to spend another day at Longmont United Hospital. As it turns out, the universe doesn't give a rats ass what I want. A serious nut-sacking is in order. So my sister is back in there. Same problem as in February. I'm kinda hoping that this won't be a week long adventure, but we'll see. And I don't want to sound all 'woa is me,' I know it's much worse for her or my mom. Still, it fucking sucks. I spent last night at my mom's so I could get up and feed the animals in the morning (I promptly went back to bed, for the record), and I'm going to be out there again tonight. The bright side is that I don't have to take care of grandma. Thank god she's not there anymore. But it still sucks. I would much rather be hanging out at my house. Such is life, I guess. I hope everyone else is enjoying their summer more than I am. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
2:14 am	i'm too tired to really write anything here, but i felt the need to say something of great importance. unfortunately, i forgot what it was, so you get this instead: i may doubt my happiness or my ability to be happy from time to time. this is not new. even when everything is going well for me, i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. everything seems so temporary and never quite perfect enough. i want to be perfect, or close to it, or at least do the best with the hand i'm dealt. this is just how i run my life. i want people to think of me and say "he's a good man who does well at what he puts his mind to." i think i usually fall short of this goal. every once in awhile, i hit the mark, and feel really good about myself. with kirsten, i felt that way for the first couple weeks. like i'd struck gold or something, and the world was perfect. right now though, i feel more like i'm not getting it right. and i know she'd disagree, claiming that i'm everything she could want and more. but i know i can do better, be more. so i'm going to try. and this is a metaphore for my life, too. like i know i can do better than i am now, so i'm going to try. i'm going to be a better person. i love you, kirsten. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, June 8th, 2003
11:48 pm	As I haven't written anything in like a week, I figure I should update and so 'yo' to everyone who cares. Yo. That said, there's a bunch of new stuff, but i'm not really in a talking mood. I'm really just tired. This day was a roller coaster. Up one minute, down the next. There was much good, but also much bad. Instant karma. Oh, well. Life goes on. I'm going to bed, at least that won't end in a catastrophe, hopefully. Current Mood: blah Current Music: none, the guys are roleplaying (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 28th, 2003
1:48 pm	For your amusment Simply to entertain, you get this: my list of 10 people I should be allowed to sleep with. See, I don't know if anyone else does this, but I've got this notion that everyone should have a list of 5 people they would do if given the chance. You aren't supposed to actually have a chance, but if you got one, you're significant other can't be upset about it. Which is not to say that your boy/girlfriend isn't enough for you. It's more that sex is fun, so this puts a limit on it, but still gives you that 0.000000001% chance. Now, in no particular order, my list of people I won't have a chance with, but would if I could. Alyson Hannigan - I like red heads. Sue me. A good body, too. Shirley Manson - Good looks and a terrific personality. I love Shirley Michelle Branch - because a girl with a guitar is just hot. Eliza Dushku - good hair, good body. so what if she was raised mormon? Edward Norton - i am jack's sex slave. And for the honorable mentions. They didn't make the cut, but I probably wouldn't make theirs, either, so it's okay. Angelina Jolie - Sorry, I know, she's not that spectacular. But it's a throwback to hackers, you know? Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston - I'm not even sure they are still married, but they are both hot, so why not? Jennifer Love Hewitt - A largely talented babe. You see heartbreakers? She's good. Nicole Kidman - a bit older, but that's just experience. besides, have you heard the accent? Sade - Amazing body for her age, but what really does it is the voice. So amazingly sultry. Current Mood: hopeful (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 21st, 2003
3:59 am	This should be said to the world in general, because I don't think I've said it lately: I like Lexi. Everyone else should, too, damn it. Additionally, I love Kirsten. And the telephone is a poor substitute for face-to-face interaction. Blah. Further, I realize that this shouldn't surprise me, but I'm often reminded of just how insightful people can be. I figure that if I haven't learned it all by my age, then no else did either. But no, just because I'm not on top of shit, it doesn't mean that other (even younger) people haven't learned a bit from their lives. People will surprise you. (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 17th, 2003
9:10 pm	I dislike family It's not that my family is that bad, really. They aren't overtly abusive or anything. It's more that they don't do a good job showing gratitude or sympathy or that sort of thing. There's a word for those...can't remember it...emtions, yeah, that's it. And I wonder where I get my failure to cope via normal means. Bah. My sister didn't see my mom in the hospital. She was working and what not, so I can understand. Of course, I haven't worked at all since mom got sick, so I can't relate, per se. But my mom got out yesterday afternoon, and my sister did make it up here today for like four hours. Now, I realize that four hours is way longer than I would spend with any of my family if I was given the choice, but it still seems like such a superfluous amount. Also, both my sister and my mom where being bitchy about everything I did. I am not working so that I could help out, and here they are giving me a hard time about what I do. Big on the 'fuck you.' When I asked my mom if she didn't want me here, she acted all offended, 'why would you think that?' I told her it was because I felt unwanted. She apologized, saying that she would try to be more gracious. Five minutes later...ugh. Fuck family. I worry, and I help, and what do I get? Snide remarks and not even a thank you. And another reason family sucks: they don't let you not eat. Even if I was normal, I'd still be full after that much food. What's worse is that I have made all the meals since I got here, but my mom won't let me make smaller ones. Damn it. Fuck. Yar. So I'm going to be proactive here. I'm leaving Monday after I do the morning chores. Obviously I'm not necessary here, so why waste my time? Of course, as soon as I try to leave, I'll feel guilty, and my mom will help that feeling along, so I'll probably end up staying longer. But I'm going to try to leave. On more interesting news: wait, there isn't any. Uhm...I'm going to change my transmission fluid and filter tomorrow. Yeah, that's it. Yay. Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: there is still a lack of tunes (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, May 16th, 2003
1:25 am	So yesterday sucked Yesterday meaning wednesday. this entry shows as friday, but as i've often debated with people, the day doesn't start until you wake up. as I have not woken up on friday, it's still thursday. that said...yesterday sucked. Woke up to the phone. Have I ever mentioned my distaste for that? Never a good start to a day. Turns out I needed to go move hay for my mom. I do that with my brother in law and nephew, and stop in at my mom's to say hi. She was in bed, resting. Apparently, she came home from work early on Monday, and didn't go in on Tuesday. Wednesday afternoon, she still was feeling bad, but was conscious and responsive, so I figured she was on the upturn. Wednesday night, she called me and told me that she was going to go to the ER because 'after 48 hours, I should be better.' So I finish my shift, and go out to longmont. Have I ever mentioned that I am not a fan of Longmont United Hospital? They suck cock, and lots of it. And not in a good way. For one thing, you have to enter through the ER at night, even if you are going to a different floor. Damned annoying. So I find the ER to be well packed for a weeknight (sidenote: floors should be bare, and not carpeted, to better facilitate the cleaning of blood), and eventually get told where my mom is. I go to her room just as the nurse is going over the x-rays with my mom. She has pneumonia. Yay. After another hour or two, she sends me out, saying that she'll be fine, and that I should go take care of grandma. Again, yay. Mom should be fine, and should even be released Friday afternoon. Unfortunately, this means that my schedule for the next few days is wake up, do farm chores, go to hospital, go to work, came back here to deal with grandma. Good fun. But none of that is the disturbing part. The wackiness came in as I was first going to the hospital last night. My mom is an RN, so I know that if she decided that an ER visit was necessary, then it had to be serious. Additionally, I hadn't heard from her or my brother in law in like three hours. So I had no idea what was going on. Then I had to wait around for ten minutes in the ER before I found out what room she was even in. Know what was going through my head during the drive and subsequent wait? 'Please don't direct me to the morgue.' What's up with that? I am such a loser. I have no idea what was scaring me so much, but I didn't like it. Further, I don't want to ever experience it again. I knew that she would be alright, but I was still worried. I am such a wanker. Bah. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Music? Here? Not likely. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 13th, 2003
12:37 am	The bard said something about this Before I begin, I should make a footnote to the previous entry about my friend Josh. Turns out he'll be alright, I think. I gave some good advice, now I just have to follow up with him to make sure he's sticking to it. Okay, last night was wonderful. Amazing. No, I'm not finding good words to describe it, actually. But the bottom line is this: I love Kirsten and we had a great night together. Which is good because it was the last such night for three months. Secondly, saying 'goodbye' sucks. 'See you soon' is not a whole lot better. And I'm really hoping that the summer goes by quickly. And...yeah...there are other worries, but I'd just get shit for saying them, so I won't. Additionally, I was considering making a calender or something to keep track of days that she has been gone or until she gets back (which is still an undetermined date), but it turns out that isn't my style. So with the help of Kyle Billingsley, and his usual retinue, we made a set of 96 cards that can keep track of how long she has been gone. One for each day that it could take up to, theoretically. So we wrote the most disparaging, insulting things we could think of, so I'll be doubly miserable during the time. Why is this a good idea? I don't know, but it's definitely more my style. Nothing reminds you that life sucks like a card that says "this space intentionally left blank, just like your bed." I'm highly amused. Thirdly, I need to spend time with Lexi. She should be less busy at this point, and she's been so wonderful to Kirsten and I (both together and separately) that I want to be extra nice to her. And I'm normally quite fond of Lexi, so I think I may have a hard time topping myself. We'll see. Oh, and if anyone even says 'absence makes the heart grow fonder,' I will knock you down so fast that Monika Lewinsky will be envious. Current Mood: Stupid should be a choice Current Music: Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 8th, 2003
11:45 pm	so i'm not sure what i want to say here. it's just some need to write something. clear up some thoughts, you know? i'm not looking forward to next couple months. for many reasons. emily, are you coming back for any of it? that would lesson the blow, i think. summer officially sucks. talked to ace and josh today. josh wanted to talk last night, but a) my phone didn't ring and b) even if it had, i was with kirsten, so i probably wouldn't have talked for long. ace told me about it today, and explained josh's situation. i feel really bad about it. i'd known that he was becoming something of an alcoholic, but i wasn't doing anything about it. i don't know why. i was too wrapped up in my own shit, or i was thinking that he'd get over it on his own. hopefully he still will, but i should have been there before he went and made such a mistake. i'm really pissed off at myself for it. and it feels like anything i do at this point is too little, too late. logically, i know it's not. that i can still be a good friend to him. but i should have been better. but i wasn't. i'm not. go away, already. i don't want or need to feel like shit. not right now. i won't make this mistake again. i won't. i will be there for my friends, even if they don't realize it. and if i need to say something, i will. they deserve it. fuck. Current Mood: angry Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - Good Enough (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 30th, 2003
8:11 am	lions and tigers and bears, oh my! So last night was new buffy. Had to haul ass from my mom's house in order to see it, but I only missed the first 60 seconds. Yay superior driving skills! After the ep, there was much nothingness but hanging out with Kirsten and JT. Always cool, that. Then, around midnight, it got interesting. We started talking about red bull and it's effects on the body. So naturally, we had to do a field test. The goal was six cans in one hour. I did it in 55 minutes. I could have done better, but without a good baseline to go by, safety seemed like a good idea. Surprisingly, the juice had little effect on me. I'd had maybe half a can before last night. Then I downed six fairly quickly. Others say I should have been bouncing off the walls, but my heartrate increased by only two beats per minute. I'm immune, apparantly. Unfortunately, that much red bull plays with your stomach a bit. The carbonation and whatever mix of contents makes you feel pretty nauseous. Kirsten was attempting to keep pace, but it didn't turn out so well for her. For the second time in five days, a trip to my place made her sick. I've always said I had that effect on women. So at any rate, after she made it safely into my bed, I was awake enough to peruse the net for a couple hours. About 4am, I go outside to smoke, and wonder if I'm hallucinating. There were horses sleeping and grazing in the field next to the apartment! At first, I thought it was just one or two, but as I ventured closer, I could see there were over a dozen of the beasts. Naturally, I'm worried about their proximity to south boulder road. After deciding that no one is aware of the situation, I give it 30 minutes before I decide to call the police. It was getting too close to dawn and early morning traffic. A pleasant sergeant tells me that they had gotten a similar report an hour ago, but had been unable to determine who owned the horses. Worse, the code enforcement people don't get into work to locate the owner until 8am. The cop tells me to sit and watch them, and call back if the move towards the road. I'm thinking 'great, I'm coming off the red bull, and this guy's telling me to sit here for another 3 hours.' Fortunately, I don't have much choice as A) my bed is taken and B) I feel like it's my responsibility as a citizen to help out. I'm a dumbass. About 30 minutes later, the horses are moving towards apartments. Worried that they'd get skittish with all the dogs that are now barking, I move closer and try to herd them elsewhere. Just after that, a black and white shows up and tells me that they've located the owner. For my part, the horses are now moving back towards their home (as the cop explained where they had come from, which is just where I had directed them). The beat officer tells me that I don't need to fill out any statements, so I down another red bull and head back to the net. 8am, I wake up shep for work and proceed to write this. And now Kirsten and John are awake. I think I might just go to bed soon! Go ME! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
3:41 am	Dude, I got a couple of 'extreme' results! The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell! Here is how you matched up against all the levels: Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very Low Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Very Low Level 2 (Lustful) Very High Level 3 (Gluttonous) High Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) High Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Very High Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Extreme Level 7 (Violent) Extreme Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Very High Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Moderate Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test I mean, how fucking cool is that? I scored extreme violence! So what if most of it is directed inward? But by far the coolest part is that I only got 'moderate' on the ninth ring of the treacherous souls. I'm apparantly quite loyal. Go me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, April 28th, 2003
12:29 am	I sense relapse coming on So I get off work late because gunbarrel sucks. By this point, I've forgotten completely about Josh turning 22 and the fact that I'm supposed to go out with him. So I head towards home. Just Cherryvale, I get a call from Ace's dad. He's having problems with email attachments. Naturally, I would have turned at Cherryvale if the call had come ten seconds sooner. Going a less direct route, I arrive at the Young's house. As is usual, the complaints of the customer can not be reproduced. So things seem peachy. This is good, as I had just done a clean install of everything on that box. Up till this point, I've only been inconvenienced, which is annoying, but acceptable. But then things go sour. I make a rookie mistake, and am now driving home to retrieve install cds to undo the mistake. I do so, and return to the Young's. I fix it up and get things restored to the way they were before I came over. I lost two hours and 3 gallons in gas (which is for or five bucks) for this crap. Normally, I don't mind such waste, as long as it's in good faith. But the entire time, I'm thinking about how much this sucks. And I'm sure that I wasn't completely succesful in hiding my displeasure, either. Mega bad karma for all of it. I'm bitching, I know. But it's been an odd day. Actually, the day was fine, until I left the house. I'm sure there's a lesson in that. Oh, well. Tomorrow is another day. And currently, besides work in the evening, I have nothing scheduled. That ought to last till about 9 am or so. Damn, I'm really bitter about a day that hasn't even started yet. I should work on that. Current Mood: Underjoyed Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - Sweet Surrender (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 27th, 2003
1:47 pm	summary of events Because I don't talk to everyone I know often enough, this post will be an update of recent events. Hopefully, this will allow those of you with score cards to keep up on things. John's been out of jail for a couple weeks now. I was worried that I would have to relenquish my job to him, but things have become busy enough to warrant both of us working. This meant that I have kept a job that I really like. So what if it's dead end? It's fun, the people are great, and it's low stress. A lack of these things forced my decision to quit my higher paying job at CompUSA, so I'm glad I could stick with this. Had a small gathering of folks over on Friday night. JT and Forrest went shot for shot, and JT won. I've always said that boy shouldn't be underestimated. JT and I should be signing a lease for a condo available in August on Tuesday. Yeah, that sentence sucked. It's a nice place and should be cheaper living than my current place. And it's in Boulder, which is way cool. I may have to crash at my mom's for a couple weeks as due to my current lease ending before the new one would begin, but I can live with a short term stay. I'll have cable, which eases the suffering of living at my mom's house, which is something I swore I would never do again. This will be short, though, so I don't feel like I would be breaking that vow. Attended the New Vista Prom a week back. Forrest would not go with Mel, and Aaron was working, so I went with her. Never, ever attend a prom when you're 22. It's just creepy. Especially when the only people that recognize you are those who've heard stories that were 'before their time.' Been hanging out with Kirsten a decent amount. She has decided to stay at CU next year, which is nifty, so I expect a continued jersey-girl presence for a while longer. She'll be gone for the summer, but should be back before school starts so that she can move into off-campus housing with Lexi. She is going to be way happier with CU as long as she isn't in the dorms. My dad was in town for easter. If I had known he was going to be, I might have avoided the trip to Idaho. You can have too much quality time in one year, really. On the other side of the parents, my mom continues to plug away with the farm. She's been taking an on-line class about small business farming, and she says she's learning a lot. Whether it's related to the class or not, she let Dale and I take three of the rams to auction which is amazing for her. She's always been too attached to the animals, which hurts her because she doesn't need that many rams for the herd, and they do make decent money when auctioned. So maybe she's improving. Also, due to the quasi-normal amount of precipitation so far this year, she is expecting a quasi-normal crop of hay in mid to late June. I like hearing this, because I love bailing season. Call me stupid, but I have many fond memories of the hours of hard, tiring work I've done while barely avoiding heatstroke. Seriously, I love it. Other things progress normally. Mariska runs like a dream. Nail polish still rocks my socks (a borrowed phrase from Emily, I believe). Warmer weather has prompted me to put additional fans near my computer to bleed off the excess heat. I think Josh Garrard is well on his to becoming an alcoholic, but it's not quite far enough to intervene on. Which is to say that I'm not worried about him, yet. I'm worried that I will be worried about that sometime soon. I think that sums it all up. As usual, things could be worse. Actually, the complaint department has been somewhat slow, lately, so if anyone cares to fix that, I'd be down. Current Mood: bored Current Music: the guys roleplaying behind me. where are my headphones? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 13th, 2003
10:13 pm	yes, i'm still here! I haven't posted an update on myself since march 1st. Much has happened since then, but all the things that I would normally write about, I haven't. At the time, I know that they were stupid thoughts or emotions, and I didn't really want them to turn up as evidence against me. Suffice it to say that things happen, things look like they are going to change, then, at the end of the day, it's still the same old shit. The point? Life sucks, so don't bother to hope. :) But I've settled into a nice holding pattern of accepting that life sucks. My life seems to be a constant stream of low points with highlights of luck thrown around randomly. And I'm okay with this, for the moment. I still have the same problems that I've had for awhile, but they don't seem to be getting worse. In lieu of actual progress, a lack of further misery is a good sign, right? But this is all beside the point. The actual impetus for me de-lurking here is my fingernails. The day at work started really slowly yesterday, so Jenny (the waitress) and I were bored. She had planned ahead and brought nail polish. As I am ocassionally impulsive (see random trips to Idaho, as well as relationships that I should have not fucked up), I asked Jenny if she'd paint mine, too. She was more than enthusiastic, to say the least. Apparently chicks really enjoy this strange behavior. When I asked why this excited her so much, she said that it was akin to the feeling of accomplishment that most guys get from painting models and such. As I'm a gamer and have been known to paint a few figs, this struck a chord with me. So I let Jenny paint one hand, and I was instantly in love with it. My other hand now felt naked, so I had her do up that one, too. I got some really weird looks and comments from people all night, but it's so worth it. There's this piece of your anatomy that is normally so boring and cursory, and suddenly, it's new and special. Now technically, I'm not gay. Despite what any of you might think, or whatever 'evidence' you have, I'm just not attracted to guys, nor do I want any cock in my ass, or vice versa. I apologize for the vulgarity, but there isn't a good way to explain the fact that I don't want some dude's twig and berries near my own junk, okay? Later last night, I hung out with Kirsten. She was also pleased with my nails. I even convinced (as if it took anything at all) her to bring new and different colors for me to enjoy on Tuesday when she's over to watch the new Buffy. Now, by her own admission, she's a bit of a fag-hag. In fact, most (all?) of the women on my friends list here are likely fag-hags. So this gets me thinking: are painted nails on straight guys still sexy? I'm inclined to say yes. I'm not sure I've ever said this before, but I will now: my hands feel and look sexy. Now, this is the kind of comment that will most likely have Ace giving me a good deal of shit. But I'm okay with that; I am enlightened. But I'm eager to hear what others have to say about the subject. On the one hand, nails are sexy on women. On the other, I am both not a woman and not sexy. But I think my nails are. Now, if I had a camera, I'd put a pic up just to help with the decision, but, since I don't, you'll just have to imagine me, with silvery nails. Except for the left hand, which is a bit chipped, because I haven't got the hang of unzipping my fly without scratching the nails on my jeans. :) So, the big question: can Mike have painted nails and not look way too gay for his own good? If so, does that make him 'sexier'? If not, should he shut the hell up and pretend this entry never took place? Current Mood: I feel pretty, oh so pretty Current Music: Garbage - Androgyny (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 1st, 2003
5:30 pm	and because i can... was thinking about these lyrics lately, and thought I'd share them with everyone. "Strawberry Gashes" by Jack Off Jill Turn her over A candle is lit, I see through her Blow it out and save all her ashes for me Curse me sold her The poison that runs it's course through her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over Called her over and asked her if she was improving She said "feels fine" it's wonderful wonderful here Hex me told her I dreamt of a devil that knew her Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over I lay quiet waiting for her voice to say "Some things you lose and some things you just give away" Scold me failed her If only I'd held on tighter to her Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me Watch me lose her It's almost like losing myself Give her my soul and let them take somebody else get away from me Watch me fault her You're living like a disaster She said kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over all over me (Comment on this)
5:12 pm	Get busy living or Why I drove to Idaho I'm not really sure why I did it. These things just form in my head and I decide that it's a good idea to listen. Granted, the night before kinda sucked. Still, that's not enough to cause this behavior. Ace kept talking about it like this was a long time coming; like I needed to clear the air with my dad. That's not the case, however. I haven't felt much animosity towards my father in quite some time. It's just that we aren't really compatible people, really, so we don't hang out much. Besides, we are separated by like a ten hour drive. But at any rate, I'm not sure this had anything to do with my dad. It has to do with me. I said it on Saturday (I think it was saturday, anyway): I'm losing my grip on everything. I've been trying to hard to hold on to everything, that it all slips through my fingers. Eventually, something important is going to get dropped. I've lost jobs, money, and other things, but I can live with that. One of these days, I'm going to finally lose my mind. I think maybe I came here to figure some things out. I love Colorado, I really do, but maybe there's just too much there for me. Too much going getting in the way of my thought process. Is JT's presence every night interfering with my ability to decide what to do with my life? Sounds plausible, anyway. So here I am, on the northern edge of the so-called Snake River Plains. As a side note, they refer to south eastern Idaho as the South East Highlands. Weird people and there local languages. Obviously, I have no real clue what's going on, I'm just trying to puzzle it out. I probably have some good reason, I'm just not sure what it is. For the moment, I'm going to assume that I just needed a stress free break from my life, and to get that, I had to leave Colorado. Lexi and Kirsten called here earlier today. Lexi had called my cell phone for whatever reason and had been told that I wasn't in town, so she called here. Not quite sure what the purpose of the call was, but I did get a bit out of it. They both felt bad about laughing hysterically the last time they saw me, and apologized. Also, someone told Kirsten about my second tattoo. Not sure who, but it's cool, I guess. She didn't seem to not like the idea, and wanted to see both of mine, so that's good. I'll probably have to explain what the second one means, but that would happen eventually anyway. In the meantime, I want to explain it to my dad. That's one of the things I decided on the drive up. At home, it's hard to talk with my family, because I know they all have so much going on as it is. But my dad doesn't do anything, so I don't mind unburdening myself on him. Last night as he and I were sitting in the hot tub, he was grilling me about what sort of meals I wanted to eat while I was here. (This is how he is; he plans out meals based on what I like to eat because he has nothing better to do with his time) I told him not to worry too much about it, as I have this whole anorexic thing going on. He asked if it was real anorexia. A) There's a not real kind? and B) Yes, thank you for the support. So that didn't go as well as I'd hoped. Also, I kept forgetting about my tattoo (not supposed to soak for another few days) so my arm kept winding up in the water. However, he had turned off the porch light, so either it was too dark to notice my cuts, or he decided not to ask. But if he decided he'd rather not know, it sucks to be him, because I'm going to bring it up anyway. I don't know what I expect from him. I don't know what he can say or do. I can't afford therapy, so I don't want him to get too stuck on that idea. And I don't want him to suggest I stay here until I "get better" because that isn't likely to happen anytime soon, and I don't want to be away from my friends that long. My best case scenario is that he gives me money to pay off my truck and then I take the $270 a month that I had been putting to that and use it for therapy (and happy drugs). I guess I just want to here what he says. I don't know why. I also wonder if maybe I'm here to die. For me, suicide has never been an easy choice, simply because of all the people it would have an effect on. So maybe if I'm not near those people, I can kill myself with impunity. I keep thinking of Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." That's been my mantra from the last couple days. Maybe I'm just trying to decide which way I want to go with it. I can live, or die. Tough call. And if I want to live, what the hell am I going to do with my life? I'm 22 years old, and what have I got? Where am I going? What's the fucking plan? It seems much easier to just slit my wrists than try to figure this out. And I am pretty lazy... but I'm going to give this some more time. At least wait until talking with my dad about the si. That'd be like leaving before show starts. Seriously though, it seems like all I have is questions, and there is no one who can give me answers. I haven't been able to figure them out for myself, either. I want to know who I am, because the face in the mirror doesn't tell me anything anymore. Current Mood: confused Current Music: Sarah McLachlan - Adia (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 24th, 2003
1:29 am	More? Much more! and if you haven't seen SLC Punk, then you don't get it... And things were better. There was money flowing freely through the house. John, Shep, and myself did fine through January. And I was eating at least once a day. And I didn't cut for three weeks. Things were good. Then I went back to work and things have been bad again. The moral, it seems, is that I shouldn't work. And there's a girl. And that always complicates things. Through no fault of her own, either. I'm just easily attached and don't deal with rejection well. Not that I've been rejected, but it's bound to happen once she realizes how bad I am. And I've worked at least five hours every day since the 4th of this month, with many of those being 13 hour days. I don't know what a day off is. And I'm bitching, I know. This is all a situation I've created for myself, if I need it fixed, I should do it. But no onse has to read this, so fuck you. If I want to bitch, then I will. Also, my grandma continues to plague the planet. and the sheep at my mom's decided to lamb early this year. and my mom was having computer problems and i didn't have to patience or time to help her. and my autistic sister is currently in the hospital (but should be okay in a couple days). so my mom is not doing well. and i went to see her tonight after work, and i couldn't even talk with her. it's snowing and the roads are kinda bad, so she said that i had to drive carefully, because she couldn't deal with any more stress. so obviously i didn't do anything but listen. i haven't talked to my mom in ten years. and i didn't have anything to say before then. i may be bad, but she's worse, so i play the good son and listen. and all i can think, is that this year marks the tenth straight with serious suicidal thoughts. ten years. when your 22, that's a good portion. but today, just like every other day, i won't kill myself. if i didn't have a lease with a roommate that needed my half of the rent, and if my mom wasn't already off the deep end, and if i thought kirsten would know she did not influence the decision, and if i knew that it wouldn't cause john to kill himself in jail (who knows, really?), i'd do it. as usual, the decision is based on other people's desires and needs. not my own. last decision i made was to quit my job. see where that got me? but i wish i could. I just want to know it's worth it, but I'm not convinced it is... how much longer? tell me, please? Current Mood: more depressed Current Music: Silverchair - Ana's Song (Open Fire) (2 Comments |Comment on this)